Wow! My friends get along extremely well!
Wow, guys, it's only my third edition of my spicy gossip rag and I’ve already missed my first deadline and then the second and then maybe you guys thought this little time we had together was over.
“I was on vacation”, I said aloud into the void of my apartment as I ate Trader Joe’s brand vanilla wafers in my underwear on my couch while watching Sharp Objects, “and I don’t feel like immediately reflecting upon my rich life experiences and turning them into thoughtful, bite-size, subversive complements right now.”
And then I didn’t feel like it for weeks!
So, let’s talk about patience.
Not your patience, dear reader, in reference to you waiting for this juicy newsletter that is so late that Whitney—substitute private yoga instructor at least one time to Rahm Emanuel—sent messages of sugar-coated demands for gossip!
What I’d like to divulge to you about my creative patience is that, up until I started quilting circa 2013, I had never committed to an independent creative project that took more than 4 days.
Fact is, I try to be realllllly delicate with the inner urge to create. When I don’t have it naturally, I try not to shame myself, because that’s when I get so upset for having disappointed my expectations that I try to run away from the whole project.
But look at me now, running into the loving arms of your inbox! Thanks for having me, here’s Wow!
Every year, for the past six years, a sorta-amorphous group of my college friends get together for a long weekend vacation. This year, 25 of us convened in Silverthorne, CO—the modest, outlet mall-saturated cousin of Aspen and Vail.
The annual Friend Reunion is a chance to catch up and hear about what all my interesting, successful friends are up to. Like, I had no idea that Justin, recent Harvard design graduate, is working at the Mayor's office in Baltimore on police reform! Or, similarly impressive, that Drew likes Keystone Light!
While I know you must be thinking that 25 mid-twenties to early-thirties friends—many of whom are single, some of whom have dated in the past—sharing tight quarters in a remote cabin would be amazing gossip fodder. However, I’m sad to report that our friend reunion is incredibly wholesome and devoid of drama! Like, I don’t even think any of the committed couples hooked up. Did anyone do it?! Anonymous tips accepted!
I can tell you that Zack molted an entire layer of skin in the process of taking this picture in a very, very hot hot spring on a very, very hot day. I’m happy to report that he lives to Dad another day!
I can also tell you that were you following Mack on Instagram you would have seen some beautiful scenery framed by Mack’s sun-protected face and sometimes shirtless torso!
Stay tuned for next year where someone damn better fight, cry, and/or get laid in the NC Mountains while we reunite for Michael and Christine’s wedding! Hooray friends, I love you!
Have you ever felt that you knew someone and then stumbled upon the information that they were living a scandalous secret life? No?
Well, I hate to break it to all of you, but I recently discovered that our shared trustworthy friend Erin —who I have now known for an entire calendar year—has been walking among us, mum about these witty observations that she shares exclusively with her Twitterverse.
I don’t want to upset you, but I have been burying the lede here…
DID YOU KNOW that in Erin’s secret life she fraternizes with Real Housewives of Dallas cast member LeeAnne Locken?! Look at this adorable string of emojis that LeeAnn endorsed with a smoking hot like. #WOW!!!!
Eight days before their due date, Sarah and Michael had an unexpected home delivery of their new baby, Elijah James.
Luckily, Sarah’s father—a primary care physician—was in town as a surprise visit for Sarah’s birthday and was able to deliver the baby in their home bathroom.
Everybody’s fine and healthy and I am so incredibly shocked that there is really no embellishment required to sensationalize this story.
Several times since I got the news late last week, I’ll be going about my day and remember that this has happened and I grab my face like the blue melting face emoji.
I’m so incredibly thrilled for you all and also holy shit WOOOOOW WOW WOW!
Also, shoutout to Nora who also had her second child this weekend as confirmed through text message and we do not know what baby’s favorite mineral is yet but I imagine it will only be a matter of days, can’t wait.
Guys, my Dad and his girlfriend Josie came to visit me in Chicago which is a pretty big deal.
I’ll be real with you, my 44 subscribers, Dad and I have had a bit of a strained relationship over the past two years, mostly due to political differences that have now embedded themselves into so many aspects of everyday life that any menial conversation about, say, families or national parks or porn stars, can quickly roll into a political debate.
I was naturally a little nervous about his visit to Chicago, starting with this text conversation where Dad was seeking hotel recommendations:
I am thrilled to report that, though many times he appeared tempted, my Dad did a heroic job of avoiding conservative talking points about Chicago in the course of his 30 hour visit therein validating to me that he cares more about preserving his relationship with his progressive daughter than getting in a few political punches... except...
While we were waiting to board a speedboat at Navy Pier, the cheese-popcorn-dusted turd of Chicago, we saw two flat earthers (!!!) walking around the pier wearing signs, handing out flyers, and nervously looking to convert and provoke round-earthers. My dad, who clearly does not keep up with Tila Tequila, was unaware of the growingly popular movement and thought that this was hilarious that people would be walking around openly denying a hard, long-standing, peer reviewed, collectively witnessed, scientific fact.
Aloud and completely unironically, he announced, “I’ll tell you right now, those guys are definitely not Trump supporters.”
Overall we had a really lovely time and did a bunch of fun touristy things! Thanks for visiting, Dad!
- As of August 29th, Scrappy Josh has 1,000 unread work emails help him.
Izzy had another Chicago celebrity encounter, this time notoriously unpopular occasional yoga student and finger-amputee Rahm Emanuel told Izzy to zip up her backpack on the L! [Rahm’s Finger]
I witnessed Kate unknowingly stand in a river of maggots coming out of her trash can. Imagine our surprise! Happy Birthday, Kate!
Drew was featured on a storytelling podcast re-telling a tale from college about the makeshift sting operation to try to recover Dan’s stolen laptop that I apparently roped Drew in to participating in. It’s so unlike me that I would orchestrate a sting operation concerning a crime that had absolutely nothing to do with me! [Drew’s Story starts at 8:40]
Alison was featured in Vogue! [Vogue! Fucking VOGUE!]
Kelly, my girl, is presenting at a museum conference in Spain this week!!!! She’s so incredibly capable! [The Inclusive Museum]
Maggie and I will be co-hosting a country, western, and honkeytonk night at the Burlington on September 10th from 10pm-2am and I will definitely be at home and in bed at a reasonable hour for peak productivity at work the next day [have a nice paternity leave, Michael!]
CC designed a custom beer can for local cool brewery Hopewell. Proceeds go to the ACLU so you can have beer, art, and justice in one! [People Power Beer]
I met Maria’s new puppy Arya and she’s terrified of fringe clothing, how unfortunate but I understand!
Thank you for believing in me!